Six months in, you notice it. Something’s off. But you can’t quite name it. They’re charming, but there’s an edge to it. They’re interested in you, but in a way that feels controlling. They say they love you, but their actions don’t match. Small things that make you uncomfortable, but you can’t tell if you’re being too sensitive or if your intuition is right. Your intuition is usually right. Love makes us overlook things. We explain away behaviors that would alarm us in any other context. We give the benefit of the doubt to people who haven’t earned it. We tell ourselves stories that feel safer than the truth. But those uncomfortable feelings, those moments of “something’s not right”? Your nervous system is trying to tell you something.
Dr. Gavin de Becker, security expert and author of “The Gift of Fear,” has spent decades studying how intuition signals danger. His research consistently shows that people who experience violence or abuse often report having felt something was wrong before they could articulate what. The body knows before the mind catches up. Psychiatrist Judith Herman, whose book “Trauma and Recovery” shaped our understanding of psychological trauma, notes that abusive relationships often involve a gradual erosion of the victim’s trust in their own perceptions. Learning to recognize and trust the signals your body sends is essential for relationship safety. Understanding healthy relationship frameworks can help you distinguish between normal differences and genuine warning signs.
Early Warning Signs
Some red flags appear early, in the first few weeks or months, before you’re invested enough that leaving feels impossible. Love bombing looks like intense affection, constant contact, overwhelming compliments, moving very fast. “I’ve never felt this way before.” “You’re perfect.” “I love you” within weeks. Grand gestures. Talking about the future immediately. It’s intoxicating. It’s also a red flag because real intimacy builds gradually. Love bombing is about creating dependency quickly. Once you’re hooked, the intensity typically disappears. They withdraw. You’re left confused, chasing the high of those early weeks. The green flag alternative is steady, consistent interest that deepens over time, someone who’s excited about you but also respects pacing.
Inconsistency looks like hot and cold, super attentive one week and distant the next, plans made and cancelled, promises not kept. You can’t build trust with inconsistency. You’re always wondering where you stand, analyzing every text, trying to figure out which version of them you’re getting today. That anxiety isn’t your problem; it’s a response to genuinely unpredictable behavior. The green flag alternative is consistency: they follow through, you know what to expect, reliability creates security.
Boundary violations look like showing up uninvited, going through your phone, getting upset when you spend time with friends or family, pushing for physical or emotional intimacy before you’re ready, ignoring “no.” This is a critical red flag because healthy people respect boundaries. Violations early on get worse, not better. They reveal that the person doesn’t see you as separate from them, that your boundaries are inconveniences to navigate rather than expressions of self to respect. The green flag alternative is someone who asks permission, respects “no,” encourages your other relationships, and gives space when you need it.
Mid-Relationship Red Flags
Some warning signs emerge once you’re established together, months or years in. Gaslighting looks like: “That didn’t happen.” “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re crazy.” “I never said that.” Making you doubt your own reality, memory, and perceptions. This is psychological manipulation, and over time it erodes your trust in yourself. You defer to their version of reality even when you know it’s wrong. You become dependent on them to tell you what’s true. The green flag alternative is: “I remember it differently, but I believe that’s how you experienced it.” Validating your experience even when disagreeing.
Isolation looks like discouraging your friendships, creating conflict around family, making it difficult to maintain other relationships, subtle or overt pressure to spend all your time with them. Isolation removes your support system and outside perspective. When they’re your only close relationship, leaving feels impossible. The green flag alternative is encouraging your friendships, making space for your other relationships, understanding that healthy partners have rich lives outside the relationship.
Contempt looks like rolling eyes, sarcasm that cuts, belittling your interests, your appearance, your intelligence, mocking you especially in front of others. John Gottman’s research on relationships has found that contempt is the single strongest predictor of relationship failure, more predictive than frequency of fighting or any other factor. It reveals fundamental lack of respect, and relationships cannot survive without respect. The green flag alternative is that even in conflict, fundamental respect remains. They might be angry, but they don’t mock or belittle. For more on healthy communication patterns, see our piece on being alone together.
The Subtle Ones
Some red flags aren’t immediately obvious. Future faking looks like elaborate plans for the future, “when we get married,” “when we move in together,” “when we have kids,” but no actual movement toward those plans, just talk. It keeps you attached to potential instead of reality. You stay for who they might become, not who they are. The green flag alternative is actions matching words; if they talk about a future together, they’re also taking steps toward it.
Lack of accountability looks like nothing ever being their fault, always an excuse, inability to apologize genuinely, blame-shifting to you or circumstances. Growth requires acknowledging mistakes. If they can’t do that, the patterns never change. The green flag alternative is: “I messed up. I’m sorry. Here’s what I’ll do differently.” Owning their part.
When your feelings are framed as “too much,” you hear: “You’re too emotional.” “You’re overreacting.” “Why do you have to make everything a big deal?” Your needs are framed as demands. Your emotions are framed as problems. This is damaging because your feelings are how you know what you need. If they’re always dismissed, you learn to suppress yourself. The green flag alternative is: “I can see you’re upset. Tell me what’s going on.” Your emotions are valid even when they don’t match theirs.
Trusting Your Gut
If something feels wrong, pay attention. Not anxiety about whether you’re good enough, that’s different. But the gut feeling that this person isn’t safe, that this behavior isn’t okay, that something fundamental is off. Your nervous system knows things your mind explains away. The person who makes you tense when they walk in a room. The conversation that leaves you feeling small. The pattern that repeats despite promises to change. Listen to that.
Stay and work on it when the patterns are addressable with effort, when they’re willing to acknowledge and work on issues, when the foundation is solid even with struggles, when you’re both committed to growth, when the relationship adds more than it costs. Consider leaving when there’s abuse, whether emotional, physical, or financial, when they refuse to acknowledge problems, when patterns repeat despite promises to change, when you’re smaller rather than bigger because of the relationship, when your gut is screaming that something’s wrong.
Your Permission
You’re allowed to leave when something’s wrong, even if you can’t perfectly articulate what. You’re allowed to trust your gut even when others say you’re overreacting. You’re allowed to have standards and to enforce boundaries. You’re allowed to choose yourself. Not every relationship is meant to last. Staying in one that’s hurting you doesn’t make you loyal. It makes you complicit in your own suffering. Leaving isn’t failure. Sometimes leaving is the healthiest choice you can make. For more on setting boundaries without guilt, see our guide. If you’re reading this and thinking about someone specific, that tells you something. Listen to it.
Sources: Dr. Gavin de Becker “The Gift of Fear,” Dr. Judith Herman “Trauma and Recovery,” John Gottman relationship research on contempt and predictors of relationship failure.
